Day 10. Breaking Hearts

Day 10.  Talk about breaking someone else’s heart, or having your own heart broken.

At first, I thought I would talk about having my heart broken because that is easier, in a way, to write about.  I know my own heart – knowing another’s is not so easy.  For those of you who have been reading my Scintilla responses, it will not come as a surprise that Brett and I broke each other’s hearts often.  Although, the memory of my brokenness is still vivid I am going to try and talk about the time I broke Brett’s heart:  The time that he still throws at me; sometimes teasing but sometimes, not.  
I met Brett when I was 17 and I fell in love with him when I was 19.  He confessed to me one evening that he had fallen in love with me.  He was married with small children.  I didn’t really get that.  I thought that love conquers all – after all, it always did in the books I read.  I assumed he would get a divorce and we would get married and life would be good.  I was so naïve.  During the time I was in college, we had a relationship.  We would break up over the wrongness of what we were doing, but we always got back together again.  Even when I transferred to a university that was five hours away, we continued through long letters and phone calls.  Periodically, I would cut class for the day and drive south to meet him somewhere.  As I neared graduation, I began to suspect that we were not going to marry as promised.  He was making no movements towards divorce and I wasn’t so naïve anymore.  When I confronted him, he admitted that while he wanted to be with me he couldn’t leave his children.  I was devastated.  I didn’t see him again for a couple of years – when my first marriage ended.  
By that time, I was living back in the LA area.  We started seeing each other sporadically.  He would call me and come over to my apartment.  Then he would disappear for weeks at a time.  It was wrong and it was painful.  I couldn’t move on with my life while I was emotionally wrapped up in him.  I started feeling cheap and used.  Eventually, I got to the point where I didn’t want that kind of life anymore.  I wanted to be more than occasional sex to someone.  He swore he loved me and couldn’t live without me but I didn’t believe him anymore.  
One evening, he called and wanted to come over for a couple hours.  I met him at my door, told him it was over and to never contact me again, and shut the door.  He left.  I stood behind the door in my apartment, shaking like a leaf.  An hour later the phone rang and it was him.  He said he understood, that he wouldn’t call again, but it was important to him that I know how much he loved me.  I had trouble talking as I was still shaking and I think he took the silence as coldness.  
I didn’t see, or talk to him, for ten years.  But, that’s another story.

3 thoughts on “Day 10. Breaking Hearts

  1. I am thoroughly amazed by your story. Your candid account is enthralling and frightening to me… I cannot imagine. My life was no less interesting when I was in my early 20's. And then it has been much more predictable. I know I would have had to take an incomplete on the Scintilla project. I would not have been able to answer these questions as honestly as you have. I hope getting your son home for Easter works out well…

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